The moment of no return.....

My journey started many moons ago as I watched my cousins and friends take on the all-encompassing task of homeschooling their children. Silently, I admired them deeply. I yearned for their faith and trust in God so as to be able to do something so awesome, so big, so.... wholesome and good. I saw the living Beatitudes that their lives became as many condemned them for their very personal and selfless choice to school in the home. Their desire to follow God's Will birthed a protected innocence, an extended and carefree childhood and a beautiful relationship with Jesus under guidance from the Catholic Church; well, their choices brought about children full of life and love - each gratefully accepted and nurtured from the moment of conception.  Again and again I watched from afar as the people I so secretly admired had more children and repeated their own Fiat, not begrudging any soul the chance at living life to the fullest in the big and beautiful world that God created.   

I saw.... I wanted... But... it wasn't for me. I didn't have what it takes. Among other things, I have extreme anxiety, I don't know how to teach one how to read, sibling fighting really affects me, I have a small house, my patience is lacking and, well, I just can't do it. It's too big. It means too much. It's beyond my grasp. I could ruin their lives.

BUT. God led me to a place where I feel I have no choice. Wishing I could do it, and more than a little afraid that I would fail, I walked the road of discernment. It led me to the place that I finally accepted just a few weeks ago. It led me to the place of no return, to my hesitant yes. I could no longer watch my oldest struggle with the curriculum of the Common Core....with Singapore Math.... with spiral curricula that never gives her the time to master the basics. And we are talking about the basics. I fought the brave fight in school. I tried to get special ed services that are clearly needed for what I call "blank slate syndrome." But without getting too deeply into it, I was denied. The fight continues. I'm going for a separate evaluation and to an audiologist. But that will take awhile. There is something going on inside that head of my little gal's. Everyone who worked with her knows it, but she's caught in a cycle of waiting until we know more.  For three years I've heard "we'll observe her." And while I waited for them to do something with their observations, I was losing my good little girl to fits of tantrums filled with frustration. Disobedience became common place. She became a bully to both her siblings and I, and she made up sicknesses. It was partly my fault; in my drive to help her get it and succeed, I pushed too far. My friends told me we were spending too much time on extra work at home. They repeated the concept that no more than 20 minutes of homework a night should be needed for first and second grade. I should have focused on the glaring question earlier: How can a seven year old go to school all day and still do two to three hours of homework a night?  Instead, I kept pushing her, day after day, for three years. "You'll get it honey... you just have to work harder.... embrace the struggle...."

In mid-June this year, when my first-born lied and copycatted a severe breathing issue that sent my other daughter to the ER by ambulance only one day before, I knew. I knew deep down that she was snapping. Something had to be done. I had reached the point of no return.

Should I continue to fight the school? Yes. And I will. Outside doctors will tell me what's wrong. God will give me the answers and show me how she needs to learn. But in the meantime, I will do my best to give her a mastery curriculum that spends enough time on each subject before going to the next. I will not spiral, push her on when she's not ready, introduce too many concepts at once or test her into oblivion. I will lead her, and my other daughter as well, to the best of my ability, day by day to educational success.

I'm diving into the unknown.... a trust fall that is one of the scariest I've ever taken, and I'm counting on God to catch me.... and to walk with me.... to give me the patience and knowledge and wisdom that I need. I've never so totally trusted as I am right now. It is really scary. You know why? Truthfully, I'm not one of those that feels God all the time or one that can hear His gentle voice. I wish I was. I'm more like the Little Flower, St. Therese, who chose daily to keep believing despite all odds. It is a blind trust right now that I make. It is a trust born of desperation, one that came after all my other options were examined and not found to be what would work. I asked God to be clear on this, for His "little Sarah" is hard of hearing..... and one thing I can say is, there was clarity. Now I'm trying to submit. One day at a time.....

Please pray for me and support me on this journey. God Bless you all.