The gang is outside in the beautiful weather cleaning the van and helping "Dagi" install the new Dino Radian car seats. I am in the house, on my favorite couch, with my computer in hand and resting.... bed resting that is. So, I guess this is the conclusion of the pregnancy that God is using to increase my faith and trust in Him. He's funny that way, isn't He? The Big Guy upstairs? Scared to homeschool, Sarah? "Trust Me. Cast your cares on Me. I will catch you. " It sure didn't feel like a catch when I figured out I screwed up my NFP training for a race and found I was pregnant in the early part of my FIRST homeschool year. As I've said before, I want more children. I just wasn't ready to have them when I was free-falling with the biggest challenge of my life. I know I get sick when I'm pregnant..... always have, and I expect, I always will. The thought crossed my mind as soon as we made the decision to homeschool that this wasn't the year to have another as I had thought it may be - cause.... what if.... what if I got sick? Sicker than ever before? And guess what? I did..... and for longer than ever before too. Ok, Big Guy, what's that all about? That's a funny way to catch and lead, but I'm hanging on for the answer.....
As the toilet and the couch and I got really well acquainted those first four and a half months, I noticed that friends from all different groups stepped up to the plate when I didn't even ask for help. In fact, I'd turned down requests for "what can I do?" in my embarrassment at not being able to keep up. They came anyway. Friends from my "herd," friends from my homeschooling community, friends from my 40 Days for Life team/community, friends from Mom's Beat and MOPS, college friends that live in the area..... they all came.... to watch kids, to bring already cooked meals, to help clean, to work on our house, to help me homeschool, ..... they came. Got it. They were sent. That dear friends, was a safety net catch of a trust fall in God.
During this time, I faced a few personal issues that brought me deep inner pain.... I don't even want to go into generals about it, as I've worked very hard to keep things mostly to myself, my husband and my spiritual adviser. But it was painful and hurt my emotional psyche. And..... turns out there were deeper lessons in the particular problems that unfolded than meets the eye. That Big Guy can use painful situations to teach us something, and He taught me a lot.... namely... He is trustworthy; He is always there; He loves all and wants us to "look up" and think of only Him as no other opinion about us matters; He gave us family that will always be there and we can lean on them; He gave me a loyal, honorable spouse on which to lean on and learn from; He is the center, the cornerstone, the rock and He always will be (it is I, lowly little me, that walks away and feels alone, not Him who walks away and makes me alone).....And....last, but certainly not least.... a lesson on how to handle my own emotions. For many years, I thought that I was doing good when I walked away from a bad situation and did something to calm myself down. In many ways, I probably was; however, while that helps settle the anger in the moment, it doesn't bring resolution to the problem. It can isolate me from others as I hide in anxiety and not bring a needed holistic, healthy fix. In spiritual advisement, He showed me the tweak. I must first go to HIM in His Word... in prayer.... share the situation, in its entirety, and read Scripture or repeat small prayers/verses until I settle down. Then, He can speak to me, and I can learn from what is going on. I don't merely calm down and avoid the lesson. I embrace it with Him. Quite the tweak, eh? Strong lessons. Valuable lessons. And, lessons that came when I was trust-falling. Imagine that.
That brings me to now. Those lessons I learned mostly in spiritual advisement. (Be jealous, I have a good spiritual adviser...) God took over in a different way a few weeks ago when I went to visit my best friend Colleen. Colleen has some significant issues going on in her life, one of which could have been truly life-threatening. She had breast cancer a few years back. She had been experiencing some pain for a few months and had some testing done. Her liver enzymes were out of whack. And the ones that were screwy were ones that could suggest a few things.... liver cancer was one of those things. I was so scared for her.... for her daughter... for her family.... for me. She has been a spiritual beacon of hope and promise for me (and just about everyone in her life). Even from a distance we communicate all the time. She just couldn't have cancer again. She couldn't. I couldn't lose her. I went to her.... and Praise Be to God the Father, Son and Spirit, it wasn't cancer. She has some health issues.... but it isn't liver cancer. Another answer to prayer. While at Colleen's, just before Easter, I was reading some of her wonderful literature on Christ's passion. It inspired me to order some of my own and to focus on Him and His sufferings a bit more. I discovered I needed to get outside of myself and work on knowing and appreciating all that was done for me.... for us... for all time.
I ordered a life-changing book by Father Ignatius (now St. Ignatius) called: The School of Jesus Crucified: The Lessons of Calvary in Daily Catholic Life. It is a REALLY deep and serious book. Some of it is too much for my small mind. Well, a lot of it, actually. Some of the wordage strikes me as tough.... but a lot of it has such a ring of truth that I must pay attention. I've gone through and picked prayers from there that fit for me, and spend some time focusing on the daily lessons it presents. I'm not sure how to summarize it all for you, but here are a few things that hit me from there.....
1. Let thy first and last thoughts of the day be on the Passion of Jesus. (My summary of the explained why: It puts a focus on life outside yourself, helps create and grow a connection between you and Jesus, shows you how much Jesus (GOD) suffered for love of you, and helps develop an appreciation and love for Him who willingly chose all the suffering to prove His love.)
2. A quote that I have been and will be working on, especially after bed-rest is over: "Nothing can be more thoroughly in opposition to a well-regulated Christian life than late rising; for which reason never allow sloth to get the better of you, but rise early, and dress yourself diligently and modestly, remembering the presence of God."
3. "Remember the day you are now entering upon may be your last, and let your mind be deeply impressed with this truth." Honestly, this one has hit me strongly in the last few years. A lot of people close to my heart have made the transition from life through death to life. I've seen a lot of suffering of my dear family and friends as this has happened. It's true, people. We are not guaranteed one-hundred years. We cannot live as if we will never die; rather, we must live as if we will die today..... we must be ready and have done as much as we can to go to God in a way that makes Him proud. I want a good life review. I want to be one that hears "well done my good and faithful servant." I'm not there yet. I have a lot of work to do. Give yourself an honest reflection and see where you are in this journey. You owe it to yourself (and to your God who chose to suffer intensely to show His love for you).
4. One prayer, that is several pages long, starts out as: "I believe O Lord; but do Thou increase my faith. All my hopes are in Thee; do Thou secure them. I love Thee with my whole heart; teach me to love Thee daily more and more. I am sorry for having offended Thee; do Thou increase my sorrow....." Isn't that beautiful? It says so much of what I want to say. I am just a weak one in faith. I struggle like everyone else.... and the answer to that struggle is to knock, seek, ask and find.....
5. One last thing for now.... thirty-one days of meditation on the Passion. Each one has three parts to consider on one overall topic. They help you to see what happened to Jesus in an entirely different, more personal, loving way.... AND how what you do does the same to Him as those involved in the Passion. Intense is a good word for it. St. Ignatius suggests a minimum of 15 minutes a day reflection on the Passion. I can do that.... and I can see the fruits.... if even to know that I have a LONG way to go to be ready for my journey to Him.
The other book that I've really started to enjoy in my prayer life is God Calling by AJ Russell. This one was recommended by my spiritual directer....Sometimes I flip open the book after prayer and see what I turn to, and other times I read the suggested day. Whichever form I choose, I always get a good and relevant meditation. Why am I not surprised?
Bed rest....books.... babies..... time to come full circle. As you can see, I've grown this year. A lot.... and it was because God provided plenty of opportunity, plenty of lessons, plenty of making good from suffering, plenty of everything.
The last few weeks, I've started feeling better in the pregnancy. My sugars were under control (no more barfing because they were so out of whack), my iron count is up more, yada yada. I did, however, start to notice a few things I've never noticed before. While this is my 7th pregnancy (Isaac Andrew and Drew Allen, my two miscarried angels), I've never felt "real" contractions for so long; I've never felt such intense back pain and fluid pressure against my uterine walls; I've never had so much difficulty walking WITHOUT sciatica; I've never had such a hard time breathing when sitting or standing; no matter how much I drink, my urine is always, and I mean always, dark, sooo... I just had a feeling..... something was different.... wrong maybe?
I've been accused of being an alarmist in the past, so I tried to take this one slowly and keep it to just my family (mostly).... I found out last week what the problem is. I have too much, as in WAY TOO much, amniotic fluid. Who knew that could be a problem? "Not I," said the fly. I have officially joined one percent of pregnancies that have this issue. Polyhydramnios. It may or may not be serious. Here's what I know about me.... I have 28+ units of fluid.... I have many of the symptoms.... I am past the point where medication is safe.... I have made more fluid between the last two ultrasounds (and fluid production should stop around 32ish weeks).... I am not a supporter of amniocentesis.... I don't know EXACTLY how far along I am (each ultrasound suggests something different).... Matthias is past the point of using lung steroids in utero, but may not have fully ready lungs yet.... water breaking at home and in an uncontrolled setting could be very dangerous for both Matthias and I.
Where does that put me? BED REST until he's a week older and closer to being ready for delivery. I spent some time on Dr. Google and freaked myself out over all the possibilities of things that can go wrong. Don't do that. Wait for the doctor appointment to see what those things are. Dr. Google makes things seem as if all the horrible possibilities are imminent. Just as I started to freak out, I shared with my friend Paula after church what was going on. She talked some sense into me. Another catch by the Big Guy. I settled down enough to wait for the doc consult on Monday. It turns out the consult went very well. The doc I was recommended to is one of, if not the, best in the area. He came up with a plan and explained how everything should play out. He told me some of the worse possibilities are low, but that the closer to the due date we get, the more likely it can become they will happen.... because.... the more likely it will be to break my water outside of the hospital. That won't be good. Hence.... BED REST. Take away all conditions that may lead to water breaking, rest completely, and wait for the day and the plan.
Can we say that God caught me again?
And, before closing, let me tell you of yet another catch..... as news got out that I'm on bed rest, people from all different groups started reaching out to help again. At first, I felt awkward accepting help when I happen to have several friends who are suffering WAY MORE than I am now. But, as "luck" would have it.... after my first day on bed rest, I could totally and absolutely feel the difference in my body every time I got up and tried to do something.... contractions started coming more often.... pain was greater..... yada yada yada. So I talked to Andy, and we decided to accept help in the form of a meal train. It was set up and we received our first meal tonight. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I can't believe the amount of stress that took off of us. Dinner was a quick warm up, and then Andy went on to continue getting ready for Matthias. Lady Life, my white van, has all five car seats properly installed. April, his van, is almost done being cleaned out... the kitchen, dining room, and living room are returned to order.... all in the time it would have taken to fully make dinner, clean the dishes, pick up after dinner etc..
Caught. I was caught again. And now, I'm learning another lesson. God's Will really does have our better interests in mind. We don't actually know it all. Huh.
This year.... many challenges... have led to bed rest, books, and soon.... a new baby....
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
Sunday, 27 April 2014
A shift in focus
Well, so far, all my blog posts have dealt with what I had started out talking about.... homeschooling. Recently, I've discovered that my blind leap of faith into the homeschooling arena, trusting on God to keep me floating, was completely rewarded with a year full of growth in faith and in my relationship with God. The fear of homeschooling, of making the leap even though I admired others who had done it but was afraid to do it myself, was at its root, a lack of trust in God. When I first thought about it in those terms, I felt very, very sad. I'm a cradle Catholic who has had so many blessings, opportunities, experiences and graces that have lifted me and carried me through my life. But I've also experienced my share of St. Therese's "dark night of the soul" where faith has become a choice that I made daily to continue on though I doubted God's love, feared God, didn't trust God, or any other number of slights against an all good, ever-present & loving God that my emotions and spiritual journey cast.
But.... through discussion, prayerful reading, and journaling, I've discovered a truth that should give hope to us all.... it doesn't matter just how far we've fallen and how much we've hurt God when we come back to Him with repentance, hope and love; one of His greatest mysteries is that the further we've been from Him, the more we've doubted and are willing to admit it and move on, the more God has in us to fill. Fill away, Lord, fill away. Forgive me for the times that I am human.... for the times I've been angry and asked how You allowed something to happen.... for the times I've been prideful and questioned why You didn't give a miracle in the way I requested.... forgive me for the times I've been angry at the rules You've given us to help lead us to happiness.... forgive me for the times I've fallen short of complete obedience to Your commandments.....
Oh, Lord, there is a lot to ask forgiveness for..... my lack of patience, my quick temper and my inability or unwillingness to at least try to control it when it starts to go off.... my surrender to bodily fatigue and pain without all that much effort to conquer it and continue on in my duties....
I could go on. And on. And on. I am a sinner. And even more so because I've been graced with the knowledge of You Lord since I was baptized as an infant. You have always been a part of my life with no seeds of confusion from outside influences on my family. And yet, I've failed. I clearly fall into the category of "to whom more has been given, more will be expected," and for that, my failures cost me more... as they cost Him more with the wasted time and all the "nos" I've given Him. I'm sorry, Lord, for my weakness in the fight against human frailty. Forgive me. And....
...so I ask to be filled, Lord, to my core with all Your goodness, love, mercy, hope.... replace all that is not of You in me with all that is of You and make me a better servant to reach out in evangelistic hope to a world that is bruised and broken.... a world that is filled with people who long to understand Your divine, merciful, all-encompassing love.... make me a channel of Your peace, Lord. Make me a channel of Your peace.
And so, from here on out, I will still journal on my lessons from homeschooling, but I feel that I need to also include the lessons shared by God to me to help me on my journey back to Him. I am so thankful for this year and so many of these lessons, and I hope that in sharing them, others can also be filled by Him.
Shalom.
But.... through discussion, prayerful reading, and journaling, I've discovered a truth that should give hope to us all.... it doesn't matter just how far we've fallen and how much we've hurt God when we come back to Him with repentance, hope and love; one of His greatest mysteries is that the further we've been from Him, the more we've doubted and are willing to admit it and move on, the more God has in us to fill. Fill away, Lord, fill away. Forgive me for the times that I am human.... for the times I've been angry and asked how You allowed something to happen.... for the times I've been prideful and questioned why You didn't give a miracle in the way I requested.... forgive me for the times I've been angry at the rules You've given us to help lead us to happiness.... forgive me for the times I've fallen short of complete obedience to Your commandments.....
Oh, Lord, there is a lot to ask forgiveness for..... my lack of patience, my quick temper and my inability or unwillingness to at least try to control it when it starts to go off.... my surrender to bodily fatigue and pain without all that much effort to conquer it and continue on in my duties....
I could go on. And on. And on. I am a sinner. And even more so because I've been graced with the knowledge of You Lord since I was baptized as an infant. You have always been a part of my life with no seeds of confusion from outside influences on my family. And yet, I've failed. I clearly fall into the category of "to whom more has been given, more will be expected," and for that, my failures cost me more... as they cost Him more with the wasted time and all the "nos" I've given Him. I'm sorry, Lord, for my weakness in the fight against human frailty. Forgive me. And....
...so I ask to be filled, Lord, to my core with all Your goodness, love, mercy, hope.... replace all that is not of You in me with all that is of You and make me a better servant to reach out in evangelistic hope to a world that is bruised and broken.... a world that is filled with people who long to understand Your divine, merciful, all-encompassing love.... make me a channel of Your peace, Lord. Make me a channel of Your peace.
And so, from here on out, I will still journal on my lessons from homeschooling, but I feel that I need to also include the lessons shared by God to me to help me on my journey back to Him. I am so thankful for this year and so many of these lessons, and I hope that in sharing them, others can also be filled by Him.
Shalom.
Sunday, 23 March 2014
Who learns the most from homeschooling?
There are many topics that are flying through my head yearning to flow through the keyboard and onto the screen.... but are they the right ones? Are they what God wants me to write, or are they what I want to write? Come Holy Spirit.....
This past weekend was a bit of a challenge. The crazy busy life of homeschooling and having four children home all day everyday slowed down as Andy took the middle 50% (Clara and Stephen) to see his parents so he could work on his new dream of growing Hops. He's gone into a small business with my brother-in-law, Chris, and my father-in-law, Charles. That's another story for another day. The weekend without 1/2 my family was 1/2 as crazy. There was no fighting.... not for a toy or the tv or cuddle time or anything. What a peaceful nothingness kind of sound. There was very little disobedience. Other than trying to get Simon, our lovely 2 year-old who thinks he's king of the Stodolka house to take a nap, there was a lot of peace. I was able to get a lot on my "to do" list done. I was able to go out to eat and not pay a week's worth of grocery money to do it.... I got a little reading and reflecting done.... and I had plenty of time with both Si Si and Punky. Time to play with playdough, read books, sing songs, give baths, clean messy rooms, cuddle, give hair cuts, chat about life, watch some favorite programs....and to well, just be with them. I got to hear Simon develop his language in his ever so cute way. Some of my favorites that popped up this weekend, "Dagi come home. Simon says Dagi come home." "Outside. Simon outside too." "Mommy sing. Mommy sing star song." or my favorite, when he clearly stole Marygrace's lollipop from the bank, she said, "Simon, did you steal my pop (sucker)?" And Simon, without missing a beat said, "no, Si share." Really? A two-year-old? As for Punky (Marygrace), I noticed her stretch a bit for Simon. We all have things we need to work on. Her "thing" is sharing. Instead of being angry that he stole her sucker (which would be her typical reaction), she kept laughing and repeating "Si share." Then she'd whisper to me, "Mom, I don't mind that he stole my sucker. He's little." That wasn't the only time she shared..... she shared her toys, her tv time, her favorite dinner when we went out and even her dessert - up to and including the last scoop of ice cream. So I had a lot this weekend.... a lot of peace and a lot of moments.
But... I didn't have half of my family. That's not the sort of thing where you can say we were half full, ya know? I missed my husband - my favorite person to talk to.... my human comforter.... my buddy.... my compadre.... my strength.... my direction....my protector.... my provider.... I am a bit of a traditionalist like that. I believe the husband is the head of the household. I don't take that as a slap in my face..... some women do.... but for me, I know God made men and women differently and doled out different roles for them. I get to be the heart of the household. He gets to be the head. I get to focus on emotional stability, comfort, building the kids up, just and appropriate discipline, schooling, making sure everyone gets the time they need with both parents, trying to maintain a comfortable atmosphere in the house, managing the activities schedule.... and on and on....I look to him for direction and advice; he looks to me for the many different emotional tasks that are involved with raising children. We aren't perfect in our roles, as we are human, but there is a safety in taking on the role we feel was doled out for us. And when he was gone this weekend, I felt a bit.... well, a bit empty.
And of course, I was missing two of my kiddos. Perhaps the best time to really know what anyone, most especially little people, contribute to the household is when they aren't around. Where was my kissy-boy (Stephen)? Here's a kid who has tempers that are hot and fast (and often destructive), but when he's not in that mode is the most loving of little boys who gives me at least a hundred kisses a day. I never thought before I had children that I'd have to teach one of them that one kiss at a time is the appropriate method of showing affection. And I missed his curly head digging into my body as he plants kisses all over the place. And my Bearsie.... Clara Rose..... my mini-me who's a Tom-boy and a little spit-fire with a dry humor that is advanced for her age, a knack for knowing just what to say and do to help her mother, and an intuition about people that is truly remarkable.... an intuition that I'm (we're) working to channel into the positive instead of the negative, as she does clearly understand just how to get under each person's skin when she wants to.
The weekend reminded me of the positive in our busy life. It gave me a chance to think about the week ahead and all that needs to be done. It is a busy time in our homeschooling, as we want to get everything in and finish close to the time when Matthias is to be born. When the other half of my family came through the door, I was so relieved that they had all traveled safely.... that they were back where they belonged.... that we were together again.... There were plenty of hugs and kisses and I love yous.
And about ten minutes later, while getting ready for bed, the fighting started. Gone were the phone calls with the excited voices as siblings connected, and in their place was a return to normalcy. As soon as the first fight happened, my buzzer went off. (I'm sure we all have a buzzer that goes off, but most of us don't name it as such. It comes from the feeling that a button has been pushed that turns the anger thermometer on and plunges the red up the scale - FAST). So tomorrow, we go back to normal. And homeschooling continues.
The children will continue their studies, and I will focus on those of course, but I will also be back at the battle of controlling the buzzer, of praying to know how to properly intervene (or not) in the fights, of asking God to know how to handle each situation as it arises.... I will be back to being pruned by my Creator in the day to day. I'm not always game for that. I don't always appreciate it as I should, for I'm not good at accepting suffering in its many forms. Nonetheless, tomorrow the day to day starts again. And in the midst of my personal pruning from the Big Guy, I will be back on track for trying to help four of His little people entrusted to us as parents to also know how to know their faults/weaknesses and to work through them....(of course, I can only do that if I can, with God's help, control my buzzer and demonstrate patience) So when I ask, who learns the most from homeschooling, I think.... I think.... it's me.
This past weekend was a bit of a challenge. The crazy busy life of homeschooling and having four children home all day everyday slowed down as Andy took the middle 50% (Clara and Stephen) to see his parents so he could work on his new dream of growing Hops. He's gone into a small business with my brother-in-law, Chris, and my father-in-law, Charles. That's another story for another day. The weekend without 1/2 my family was 1/2 as crazy. There was no fighting.... not for a toy or the tv or cuddle time or anything. What a peaceful nothingness kind of sound. There was very little disobedience. Other than trying to get Simon, our lovely 2 year-old who thinks he's king of the Stodolka house to take a nap, there was a lot of peace. I was able to get a lot on my "to do" list done. I was able to go out to eat and not pay a week's worth of grocery money to do it.... I got a little reading and reflecting done.... and I had plenty of time with both Si Si and Punky. Time to play with playdough, read books, sing songs, give baths, clean messy rooms, cuddle, give hair cuts, chat about life, watch some favorite programs....and to well, just be with them. I got to hear Simon develop his language in his ever so cute way. Some of my favorites that popped up this weekend, "Dagi come home. Simon says Dagi come home." "Outside. Simon outside too." "Mommy sing. Mommy sing star song." or my favorite, when he clearly stole Marygrace's lollipop from the bank, she said, "Simon, did you steal my pop (sucker)?" And Simon, without missing a beat said, "no, Si share." Really? A two-year-old? As for Punky (Marygrace), I noticed her stretch a bit for Simon. We all have things we need to work on. Her "thing" is sharing. Instead of being angry that he stole her sucker (which would be her typical reaction), she kept laughing and repeating "Si share." Then she'd whisper to me, "Mom, I don't mind that he stole my sucker. He's little." That wasn't the only time she shared..... she shared her toys, her tv time, her favorite dinner when we went out and even her dessert - up to and including the last scoop of ice cream. So I had a lot this weekend.... a lot of peace and a lot of moments.
But... I didn't have half of my family. That's not the sort of thing where you can say we were half full, ya know? I missed my husband - my favorite person to talk to.... my human comforter.... my buddy.... my compadre.... my strength.... my direction....my protector.... my provider.... I am a bit of a traditionalist like that. I believe the husband is the head of the household. I don't take that as a slap in my face..... some women do.... but for me, I know God made men and women differently and doled out different roles for them. I get to be the heart of the household. He gets to be the head. I get to focus on emotional stability, comfort, building the kids up, just and appropriate discipline, schooling, making sure everyone gets the time they need with both parents, trying to maintain a comfortable atmosphere in the house, managing the activities schedule.... and on and on....I look to him for direction and advice; he looks to me for the many different emotional tasks that are involved with raising children. We aren't perfect in our roles, as we are human, but there is a safety in taking on the role we feel was doled out for us. And when he was gone this weekend, I felt a bit.... well, a bit empty.
And of course, I was missing two of my kiddos. Perhaps the best time to really know what anyone, most especially little people, contribute to the household is when they aren't around. Where was my kissy-boy (Stephen)? Here's a kid who has tempers that are hot and fast (and often destructive), but when he's not in that mode is the most loving of little boys who gives me at least a hundred kisses a day. I never thought before I had children that I'd have to teach one of them that one kiss at a time is the appropriate method of showing affection. And I missed his curly head digging into my body as he plants kisses all over the place. And my Bearsie.... Clara Rose..... my mini-me who's a Tom-boy and a little spit-fire with a dry humor that is advanced for her age, a knack for knowing just what to say and do to help her mother, and an intuition about people that is truly remarkable.... an intuition that I'm (we're) working to channel into the positive instead of the negative, as she does clearly understand just how to get under each person's skin when she wants to.
The weekend reminded me of the positive in our busy life. It gave me a chance to think about the week ahead and all that needs to be done. It is a busy time in our homeschooling, as we want to get everything in and finish close to the time when Matthias is to be born. When the other half of my family came through the door, I was so relieved that they had all traveled safely.... that they were back where they belonged.... that we were together again.... There were plenty of hugs and kisses and I love yous.
And about ten minutes later, while getting ready for bed, the fighting started. Gone were the phone calls with the excited voices as siblings connected, and in their place was a return to normalcy. As soon as the first fight happened, my buzzer went off. (I'm sure we all have a buzzer that goes off, but most of us don't name it as such. It comes from the feeling that a button has been pushed that turns the anger thermometer on and plunges the red up the scale - FAST). So tomorrow, we go back to normal. And homeschooling continues.
The children will continue their studies, and I will focus on those of course, but I will also be back at the battle of controlling the buzzer, of praying to know how to properly intervene (or not) in the fights, of asking God to know how to handle each situation as it arises.... I will be back to being pruned by my Creator in the day to day. I'm not always game for that. I don't always appreciate it as I should, for I'm not good at accepting suffering in its many forms. Nonetheless, tomorrow the day to day starts again. And in the midst of my personal pruning from the Big Guy, I will be back on track for trying to help four of His little people entrusted to us as parents to also know how to know their faults/weaknesses and to work through them....(of course, I can only do that if I can, with God's help, control my buzzer and demonstrate patience) So when I ask, who learns the most from homeschooling, I think.... I think.... it's me.
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
"No. That's too hard."
I'm sure if you are a homeschooler, you've heard the words, "No. I won't do it. It's too hard." (And if you haven't heard them, I'd love for you to share your secrets.) That's just what I heard from my Clara last week. The first time I heard it was at the first subject of the first day of the school week, and my immediate response was full of compassion. Don't we all know what it is like to get started with work or school or the daily grind of mommy (or daddy) hood without our partner after a three day weekend? Bringing that down to a long, difficult task for a child, who doesn't have as much life experience and successes to see that it really is just a tough moment in time that will pass, one can see why my heart went out to Clara. I tried to encourage her, let her know it wouldn't be hard after she practiced, that I'd be there helping her out, that God gave her a good brain and that she could do it.
The result of my pep talk? "I'm not doing it. I won't." It wasn't two seconds later that I was seeing red stars and ready to take off through the roof. I had to audibly count out loud, sharing with each successive number that I was trying to calm down and that it really would be in Clara's best interest to politely rephrase her response.
After I made it to ten, I turned to Clara, gently took her book, and started to talk my way through the first problem with her.... assuming that she was remorseful for her outburst, listening to what I had to say, and ready to go. I quickly made eye contact to check for understanding..... and found she was not only not listening, but had turned on her Innotab from Santa Claus.
Blastoff. Lost it.
And I bet you wouldn't blame me all that much, right? I don't remember my exact words (who would when blasting off in outrage, eh?), but I gave her ten seconds to get upstairs with her work to do by herself and told her she couldn't come down until it was correctly done.... yada, yada, yada. After a bit of escalation and threats of various degrees (you'll be in your room until dinner, you won't watch tv for the rest of the day, you'll miss movie night this week etc.), Clara went upstairs with her work and I turned my attention to Marygrace.
Eventually, of course, she came back down with the work completed, but not well.... and I sent her back up to make her corrections. It was a tedious process that was more punishment for me than for her, as each time she trekked down the stairs, the attitude that I had to endure was worse.
And that was the first time it happened in the week. It happened daily last week, stretching my patience to and beyond the max into a territory that I have feared since well before I started homeschooling. In all of the nightmares I'd concocted with a similar scenario, I became a failure for a teacher and my chilluns were unable to learn from me, forcing me to quit homeschooling, send them back to school and admit that I was one, big, embarrassing failure. I found however, that though we struggled through, the work was completed, heads remained on bodies and the weekend came.
So did reflection.
How must God feel each time I sit down for a short rest that I know very well will end up being for the remainder of the evening and duties will go undone? Or what about the times that I am inspired to pray for someone or help someone with something and then excuse myself from it because I don't really want to do it or because it seems too difficult at the moment? How about the mountains of laundry that should at least be started or the meals that should be more involved to prepare so they are preservative free and diabetic friendly? How does God feel when I ignore Him? when I fail to do what I ought?
Does God count to ten and try to convince me that I need to do what He wants? Does He throw all sorts of consequences at me to manipulate me into doing what I should freely choose to do because it is right?
Um. No. Perhaps the natural consequences come, say a messy room is still messy if I don't clean it, but bad things don't just start happening to me in an attempt to get me to do something. We have free will and can choose what we will or won't do. I realize as parents that we are supposed to guide our children to learn to use their free will to make good, positive, productive and helpful choices, so things are a bit different. I also know that we are trapped within the confines of the human body and spirit with all its limitations, so we will make mistakes; thus, this isn't going to be an "Ode to hurry up and get it right, Sarah" kind of thing.
But, I must admit, two thoughts did come to mind. Firstly, I ought to consider more carefully how I will respond the next time I face doing something that is right but that I don't want to (or feel I can't) do. Just because I'm an adult and God doesn't force His Will on me, doesn't mean that I should succumb to whatever it is at the moment that is tempting me to not do what I ought to do. Secondly, maybe I need to remember that just as I have Clara's best interests in mind and want her to learn and finish her work, God also has mine in mind when He puts things on my heart. I need to hop on them a little more quickly, share the struggle with the kiddos, and show by example that the only way through a difficulty is, well, through it.
If my children learned this, learned to brace themselves for difficult moments with the confidence that they can do it and will get through it, then homeschooling has taught a valuable lesson far beyond the academic books. Ironic too, is it that God brought a lesson for me on living a better life out of Clara's small act of defiance. Doubly ironic is that it is almost the exact same lesson that Clara will learn at my hand.
And.... I had the opportunity to learn it within the structure of homeschooling. Huh. Go figure. I jumped into a trust free-fall, and I am being caught....the kids are learning; I am learning; we are becoming holier together. This is yet another reason why I shouldn't "be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition with thanksgiving give my requests to God Most High." And that means anything.... even Clara's refusals, for if I keep trying to help her, God will keep supplying the answers and the lessons. That is just the way it works.
The result of my pep talk? "I'm not doing it. I won't." It wasn't two seconds later that I was seeing red stars and ready to take off through the roof. I had to audibly count out loud, sharing with each successive number that I was trying to calm down and that it really would be in Clara's best interest to politely rephrase her response.
After I made it to ten, I turned to Clara, gently took her book, and started to talk my way through the first problem with her.... assuming that she was remorseful for her outburst, listening to what I had to say, and ready to go. I quickly made eye contact to check for understanding..... and found she was not only not listening, but had turned on her Innotab from Santa Claus.
Blastoff. Lost it.
And I bet you wouldn't blame me all that much, right? I don't remember my exact words (who would when blasting off in outrage, eh?), but I gave her ten seconds to get upstairs with her work to do by herself and told her she couldn't come down until it was correctly done.... yada, yada, yada. After a bit of escalation and threats of various degrees (you'll be in your room until dinner, you won't watch tv for the rest of the day, you'll miss movie night this week etc.), Clara went upstairs with her work and I turned my attention to Marygrace.
Eventually, of course, she came back down with the work completed, but not well.... and I sent her back up to make her corrections. It was a tedious process that was more punishment for me than for her, as each time she trekked down the stairs, the attitude that I had to endure was worse.
And that was the first time it happened in the week. It happened daily last week, stretching my patience to and beyond the max into a territory that I have feared since well before I started homeschooling. In all of the nightmares I'd concocted with a similar scenario, I became a failure for a teacher and my chilluns were unable to learn from me, forcing me to quit homeschooling, send them back to school and admit that I was one, big, embarrassing failure. I found however, that though we struggled through, the work was completed, heads remained on bodies and the weekend came.
So did reflection.
How must God feel each time I sit down for a short rest that I know very well will end up being for the remainder of the evening and duties will go undone? Or what about the times that I am inspired to pray for someone or help someone with something and then excuse myself from it because I don't really want to do it or because it seems too difficult at the moment? How about the mountains of laundry that should at least be started or the meals that should be more involved to prepare so they are preservative free and diabetic friendly? How does God feel when I ignore Him? when I fail to do what I ought?
Does God count to ten and try to convince me that I need to do what He wants? Does He throw all sorts of consequences at me to manipulate me into doing what I should freely choose to do because it is right?
Um. No. Perhaps the natural consequences come, say a messy room is still messy if I don't clean it, but bad things don't just start happening to me in an attempt to get me to do something. We have free will and can choose what we will or won't do. I realize as parents that we are supposed to guide our children to learn to use their free will to make good, positive, productive and helpful choices, so things are a bit different. I also know that we are trapped within the confines of the human body and spirit with all its limitations, so we will make mistakes; thus, this isn't going to be an "Ode to hurry up and get it right, Sarah" kind of thing.
But, I must admit, two thoughts did come to mind. Firstly, I ought to consider more carefully how I will respond the next time I face doing something that is right but that I don't want to (or feel I can't) do. Just because I'm an adult and God doesn't force His Will on me, doesn't mean that I should succumb to whatever it is at the moment that is tempting me to not do what I ought to do. Secondly, maybe I need to remember that just as I have Clara's best interests in mind and want her to learn and finish her work, God also has mine in mind when He puts things on my heart. I need to hop on them a little more quickly, share the struggle with the kiddos, and show by example that the only way through a difficulty is, well, through it.
If my children learned this, learned to brace themselves for difficult moments with the confidence that they can do it and will get through it, then homeschooling has taught a valuable lesson far beyond the academic books. Ironic too, is it that God brought a lesson for me on living a better life out of Clara's small act of defiance. Doubly ironic is that it is almost the exact same lesson that Clara will learn at my hand.
And.... I had the opportunity to learn it within the structure of homeschooling. Huh. Go figure. I jumped into a trust free-fall, and I am being caught....the kids are learning; I am learning; we are becoming holier together. This is yet another reason why I shouldn't "be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition with thanksgiving give my requests to God Most High." And that means anything.... even Clara's refusals, for if I keep trying to help her, God will keep supplying the answers and the lessons. That is just the way it works.
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
"Don't be anxious, about anything..."
I'm pro-life.... in all things... most of you know that. It's goes to the core of my beliefs and who I am. I know... really, solidly know.... that each and every life has been gifted with a purpose that no other can fulfill. NO ONE. We're talking so individual and so unique a purpose that God created ONE and only ONE of each individual to dance in his/her mother's womb while growing ready to face the world on the outside of the lovely protective bubble deep inside mommy's body. I'm in awe of this miracle known as life... two people... come together....cooperate in creation.... and someone planned from the beginning of time begins to grow. I could go on forever about how I think and feel about mommas and their teeny babes. But here's something I never expected to say. Except for the fact that I am human and have human doubts, fears, and failings, I'm almost embarrassed to admit what I'm about to say. When I found out that I was pregnant this Fall, I was terrified. Sure.... I want more kids. But I wasn't quite ready for that beautiful journey to start again. I messed up on my NFP - I got careless, forgot that exercise changes things, and found myself pregnant and afraid.
Yep. Super-Duper, Pro-Life me was afraid. Do you know why I was afraid? We made the decision to homeschool. Right? We made the decision that I would be the one homeschooling..... that I'd have all four kids with me all day every day..... a beautiful thing.... but I would also be responsible for making sure they learned. Really learned... not just things that babies and toddlers grow to learn as they come to know the world is bigger than their crib or house.... we aren't talking about learning that candy is sticky, snow is cold, water is wet or socks keep our feet warm kind of learning. This was the real thing. When making the choice to homeschool, I became responsible for the kids' full-blown education. That's big. Real big.
So how could I be pregnant, take care of four kids, endure morning sickness AND still be responsible for the education of my children???
That's why I was afraid. I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep the house clean.... clothes washed.... mouths fed.... activities maintained.... education upheld. Me, myself and I.... COULD NOT do it. I knew that I struggled with morning sickness in the past when pregnant. I knew that some pregnancies really gave me a problem while others brought minor illness. So when I took that pregnancy test and the "+" was loud and clear, I freaked out. What if I got really sick? What if I was puking all day? What if basic needs became difficult for me and I couldn't supply for them let alone accomplish the rigors of homeschooling?
You know what? That is exactly what happened. I became so sick that I was hospitalized. I couldn't be around when someone was cooking (let alone be the cook). I had zero energy. I was puking about ten times a day. I turned the tv on for the kids, and I slept.
A funny thing happened. The homeschool song we had been working on took over my brain. I woke up sweating, nauseous, weak... but singing this song in my head. It is a Seeds Family Worship song that my son Stephen loves to belt out. While these may not be the exact words, here's the gist: "Don't be anxious. About anything. But in prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God... and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your heart in Christ Jesus." Does that ring a bell for anyone? It is a song made from the Bible verse Philippians 4: 6 & 7.
We must remember that Jesus is the Word. And the Word was made flesh. If we need to hear God, whether we feel Him or not, we need to read the Bible. We need to read the Word He sent to us to communicate with us. A dear friend named Emily brought this truth home to me, and when I asked how to do that, how to actually learn the verses of the Bible such that I could pray with them and apply them to my life, she suggested the Seeds Family Worship CDs.
Guess what? That suggestion CHANGED MY LIFE. Finding out I was pregnant, naming and embracing the fear that I wouldn't be able to do all that I needed to do to care for and educate my children.... that was my first big fear that I confronted after learning this particular Bible verse and song. While I laid flat on the couch, unable to do much of anything and seeing my fear unroll before my eyes, I embraced the song that Stephen ran around singing. Did I want to? No. I wanted to be back in my safe world. I wanted to cling to the idea that I had already come to - work one day at a time, one present moment at a time. But I could only surrender, for my strength and my capabilities had failed. All that was left was to embrace God. And my son, a mere four years old, was my reminder of this.
Instead of long prayers and heroic sacrifices, I laid on the couch, said my morning offering, giving my suffering up and handed everything over. I couldn't do a thing. But God could do everything.
And He did. He brought me meals through people who saw my suffering and made them. He brought people who helped clean my house, do my laundry and care for my children. He helped me stay caught up with homeschooling by enlisting my husband's help in the evenings. Him. Not Me.
And it was because I invited Him in. I listened to the song. Over and over I prayed for help and said I didn't want to be anxious, but I needed help.....
Fast forward through the rest of Fall and the Christmas season. It's now January 22, 2014. I'm 21 weeks pregnant, mostly over morning sickness, over an almost month-long flu, caught up (and even ahead in some areas) in homeschooling, and able to shout out, on this 41st anniversary of the tragic Roe vs. Wade decision, that the unique little being growing in my womb, is a boy.
His name will be Matthias Andrew Stodolka. He is a blessing that I can't wait to meet, that my whole family is excited about, and that I am grateful to be entrusted with.
Take a listen. Pray with your heart. See where you go if you remember "Don't be anxious...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd35-M-xLX4
Yep. Super-Duper, Pro-Life me was afraid. Do you know why I was afraid? We made the decision to homeschool. Right? We made the decision that I would be the one homeschooling..... that I'd have all four kids with me all day every day..... a beautiful thing.... but I would also be responsible for making sure they learned. Really learned... not just things that babies and toddlers grow to learn as they come to know the world is bigger than their crib or house.... we aren't talking about learning that candy is sticky, snow is cold, water is wet or socks keep our feet warm kind of learning. This was the real thing. When making the choice to homeschool, I became responsible for the kids' full-blown education. That's big. Real big.
So how could I be pregnant, take care of four kids, endure morning sickness AND still be responsible for the education of my children???
That's why I was afraid. I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep the house clean.... clothes washed.... mouths fed.... activities maintained.... education upheld. Me, myself and I.... COULD NOT do it. I knew that I struggled with morning sickness in the past when pregnant. I knew that some pregnancies really gave me a problem while others brought minor illness. So when I took that pregnancy test and the "+" was loud and clear, I freaked out. What if I got really sick? What if I was puking all day? What if basic needs became difficult for me and I couldn't supply for them let alone accomplish the rigors of homeschooling?
You know what? That is exactly what happened. I became so sick that I was hospitalized. I couldn't be around when someone was cooking (let alone be the cook). I had zero energy. I was puking about ten times a day. I turned the tv on for the kids, and I slept.
A funny thing happened. The homeschool song we had been working on took over my brain. I woke up sweating, nauseous, weak... but singing this song in my head. It is a Seeds Family Worship song that my son Stephen loves to belt out. While these may not be the exact words, here's the gist: "Don't be anxious. About anything. But in prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God... and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your heart in Christ Jesus." Does that ring a bell for anyone? It is a song made from the Bible verse Philippians 4: 6 & 7.
We must remember that Jesus is the Word. And the Word was made flesh. If we need to hear God, whether we feel Him or not, we need to read the Bible. We need to read the Word He sent to us to communicate with us. A dear friend named Emily brought this truth home to me, and when I asked how to do that, how to actually learn the verses of the Bible such that I could pray with them and apply them to my life, she suggested the Seeds Family Worship CDs.
Guess what? That suggestion CHANGED MY LIFE. Finding out I was pregnant, naming and embracing the fear that I wouldn't be able to do all that I needed to do to care for and educate my children.... that was my first big fear that I confronted after learning this particular Bible verse and song. While I laid flat on the couch, unable to do much of anything and seeing my fear unroll before my eyes, I embraced the song that Stephen ran around singing. Did I want to? No. I wanted to be back in my safe world. I wanted to cling to the idea that I had already come to - work one day at a time, one present moment at a time. But I could only surrender, for my strength and my capabilities had failed. All that was left was to embrace God. And my son, a mere four years old, was my reminder of this.
Instead of long prayers and heroic sacrifices, I laid on the couch, said my morning offering, giving my suffering up and handed everything over. I couldn't do a thing. But God could do everything.
And He did. He brought me meals through people who saw my suffering and made them. He brought people who helped clean my house, do my laundry and care for my children. He helped me stay caught up with homeschooling by enlisting my husband's help in the evenings. Him. Not Me.
And it was because I invited Him in. I listened to the song. Over and over I prayed for help and said I didn't want to be anxious, but I needed help.....
Fast forward through the rest of Fall and the Christmas season. It's now January 22, 2014. I'm 21 weeks pregnant, mostly over morning sickness, over an almost month-long flu, caught up (and even ahead in some areas) in homeschooling, and able to shout out, on this 41st anniversary of the tragic Roe vs. Wade decision, that the unique little being growing in my womb, is a boy.
His name will be Matthias Andrew Stodolka. He is a blessing that I can't wait to meet, that my whole family is excited about, and that I am grateful to be entrusted with.
Take a listen. Pray with your heart. See where you go if you remember "Don't be anxious...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd35-M-xLX4
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