"No. That's too hard."

I'm sure if you are a homeschooler, you've heard the words, "No. I won't do it. It's too hard." (And if you haven't heard them, I'd love for you to share your secrets.) That's just what I heard from my Clara last week. The first time I heard it was at the first subject of the first day of the school week, and my immediate response was full of compassion. Don't we all know what it is like to get started with work or school or the daily grind of mommy (or daddy) hood without our partner after a three day weekend? Bringing that down to a long, difficult task for a child, who doesn't have as much life experience and successes to see that it really is just a tough moment in time that will pass, one can see why my heart went out to Clara. I tried to encourage her, let her know it wouldn't be hard after she practiced, that I'd be there helping her out, that God gave her a good brain and that she could do it.

The result of my pep talk? "I'm not doing it. I won't." It wasn't two seconds later that I was seeing red stars and ready to take off through the roof. I had to audibly count out loud, sharing with each successive number that I was trying to calm down and that it really would be in Clara's best interest to politely rephrase her response.

After I made it to ten, I turned to Clara, gently took her book, and started to talk my way through the first problem with her.... assuming that she was remorseful for her outburst, listening to what I had to say, and ready to go. I quickly made eye contact to check for understanding..... and found she was not only not listening, but had turned on her Innotab from Santa Claus.

Blastoff. Lost it.

And I bet you wouldn't blame me all that much, right?  I don't remember my exact words (who would when blasting off in outrage, eh?), but I gave her ten seconds to get upstairs with her work to do by herself and told her she couldn't come down until it was correctly done.... yada, yada, yada. After a bit of escalation and threats of various degrees (you'll be in your room until dinner, you won't watch tv for the rest of the day, you'll miss movie night this week etc.), Clara went upstairs with her work and I turned my attention to Marygrace.

Eventually, of course, she came back down with the work completed, but not well.... and I sent her back up to make her corrections. It was a tedious process that was more punishment for me than for her, as each time she trekked down the stairs, the attitude that I had to endure was worse.

And that was the first time it happened in the week. It happened daily last week, stretching my patience to and beyond the max into a territory that I have feared since well before I started homeschooling.  In all of the nightmares I'd concocted with a similar scenario, I became a failure for a teacher and my chilluns were unable to learn from me, forcing me to quit homeschooling, send them back to school and admit that I was one, big, embarrassing failure. I found however, that though we struggled through, the work was completed, heads remained on bodies and the weekend came.

So did reflection.

How must God feel each time I sit down for a short rest that I know very well will end up being for the remainder of the evening and duties will go undone? Or what about the times that I am inspired to pray for someone or help someone with something and then excuse myself from it because I don't really want to do it or because it seems too difficult at the moment? How about the mountains of laundry that should at least be started or the meals that should be more involved to prepare so they are preservative free and diabetic friendly? How does God feel when I ignore Him? when I fail to do what I ought?

Does God count to ten and try to convince me that I need to do what He wants? Does He throw all sorts of consequences at me to manipulate me into doing what I should freely choose to do because it is right?

Um. No. Perhaps the natural consequences come, say a messy room is still messy if I don't clean it, but bad things don't just start happening to me in an attempt to get me to do something. We have free will and can choose what we will or won't do. I realize as parents that we are supposed to guide our children to learn to use their free will to make good, positive, productive and helpful choices, so things are a bit different.  I also know that we are trapped within the confines of the human body and spirit with all its limitations, so we will make mistakes; thus, this isn't going to be an "Ode to hurry up and get it right, Sarah" kind of thing.

But, I must admit, two thoughts did come to mind. Firstly, I ought to consider more carefully how I will respond the next time I face doing something that is right but that I don't want to (or feel I can't) do. Just because I'm an adult and God doesn't force His Will on me, doesn't mean that I should succumb to whatever it is at the moment that is tempting me to not do what I ought to do. Secondly, maybe I need to remember that just as I have Clara's best interests in mind and want her to learn and finish her work, God also has mine in mind when He puts things on my heart. I need to hop on them a little more quickly, share the struggle with the kiddos, and show by example that the only way through a difficulty is, well, through it.

If my children learned this, learned to brace themselves for difficult moments with the confidence that they can do it and will get through it, then homeschooling has taught a valuable lesson far beyond the academic books. Ironic too, is it that God brought a lesson for me on living a better life out of Clara's small act of defiance. Doubly ironic is that it is almost the exact same lesson that Clara will learn at my hand.

And.... I had the opportunity to learn it within the structure of homeschooling. Huh. Go figure. I jumped into a trust free-fall, and I am being caught....the kids are learning; I am learning; we are becoming holier together. This is yet another reason why I shouldn't "be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition with thanksgiving give my requests to God Most High." And that means anything.... even Clara's refusals, for if I keep trying to help her, God will keep supplying the answers and the lessons. That is just the way it works.

"Don't be anxious, about anything..."

I'm pro-life.... in all things... most of you know that. It's goes to the core of my beliefs and who I am. I know... really, solidly know.... that each and every life has been gifted with a purpose that no other can fulfill. NO ONE. We're talking so individual and so unique a purpose that God created ONE and only ONE of each individual to dance in his/her mother's womb while growing ready to face the world on the outside of the lovely protective bubble deep inside mommy's body. I'm in awe of this miracle known as life... two people... come together....cooperate in creation.... and someone planned from the beginning of time begins to grow. I could go on forever about how I think and feel about mommas and their teeny babes. But here's something I never expected to say. Except for the fact that I am human and have human doubts, fears, and failings, I'm almost embarrassed to admit what I'm about to say. When I found out that I was pregnant this Fall, I was terrified. Sure.... I want more kids. But I wasn't quite ready for that beautiful journey to start again. I messed up on my NFP - I got careless, forgot that exercise changes things, and found myself pregnant and afraid.

Yep. Super-Duper, Pro-Life me was afraid. Do you know why I was afraid? We made the decision to homeschool. Right? We made the decision that I would be the one homeschooling..... that I'd have all four kids with me all day every day..... a beautiful thing.... but I would also be responsible for making sure they learned. Really learned... not just things that babies and toddlers grow to learn as they come to know the world is bigger than their crib or house.... we aren't talking about learning that candy is sticky, snow is cold, water is wet or socks keep our feet warm kind of learning. This was the real thing. When making the choice to homeschool, I became responsible for the kids' full-blown education. That's big. Real big.

So how could I be pregnant, take care of four kids, endure morning sickness AND still be responsible for the education of my children???

That's why I was afraid. I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep the house clean.... clothes washed.... mouths fed.... activities maintained.... education upheld. Me, myself and I.... COULD NOT do it. I knew that I struggled with morning sickness in the past when pregnant. I knew that some pregnancies really gave me a problem while others brought minor illness. So when I took that pregnancy test and the "+" was loud and clear, I freaked out. What if I got really sick? What if I was puking all day? What if basic needs became difficult for me and I couldn't supply for them let alone accomplish the rigors of homeschooling?

You know what? That is exactly what happened. I became so sick that I was hospitalized. I couldn't be around when someone was cooking (let alone be the cook). I had zero energy. I was puking about ten times a day. I turned the tv on for the kids, and I slept.

A funny thing happened. The homeschool song we had been working on took over my brain. I woke up sweating, nauseous, weak... but singing this song in my head. It is a Seeds Family Worship song that my son Stephen loves to belt out. While these may  not be the exact words, here's the gist: "Don't be anxious. About anything. But in prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God... and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your heart in Christ Jesus." Does that ring a bell for anyone? It is a song made from the Bible verse Philippians 4: 6 & 7.

We must remember that Jesus is the Word. And the Word was made flesh. If we need to hear God, whether we feel Him or not, we need to read the Bible. We need to read the Word He sent to us to communicate with us. A dear friend named Emily brought this truth home to me, and when I asked how to do that, how to actually learn the verses of the Bible such that I could pray with them and apply them to my life, she suggested the Seeds Family Worship CDs.

Guess what? That suggestion CHANGED MY LIFE. Finding out I was pregnant, naming and embracing the fear that I wouldn't be able to do all that I needed to do to care for and educate my children.... that was my first big fear that I confronted after learning this particular Bible verse and song. While I laid flat on the couch, unable to do much of anything and seeing my fear unroll before my eyes, I embraced the song that Stephen ran around singing. Did I want to? No. I wanted to be back in my safe world. I wanted to cling to the idea that I had already come to - work one day at a time, one present moment at a time. But I could only surrender, for my strength and my capabilities had failed. All that was left was to embrace God. And my son, a mere four years old, was my reminder of this.

Instead of long prayers and heroic sacrifices, I laid on the couch, said my morning offering, giving my suffering up and handed everything over. I couldn't do a thing. But God could do everything.

And He did. He brought me meals through people who saw my suffering and made them. He brought people who helped clean my house, do my laundry and care for my children. He helped me stay caught up with homeschooling by enlisting my husband's help in the evenings. Him. Not Me.

And it was because I invited Him in. I listened to the song. Over and over I prayed for help and said I didn't want to be anxious, but I needed help.....

Fast forward through the rest of Fall and the Christmas season. It's now January 22, 2014. I'm 21 weeks pregnant, mostly over morning sickness, over an almost month-long flu, caught up (and even ahead in some areas) in homeschooling, and able to shout out, on this 41st anniversary of the tragic Roe vs. Wade decision, that the unique little being growing in my womb, is a boy.

His name will be Matthias Andrew Stodolka. He is a blessing that I can't wait to meet, that my whole family is excited about, and that I am grateful to be entrusted with.

Take a listen. Pray with your heart. See where you go if you remember "Don't be anxious...."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd35-M-xLX4