"Don't be anxious, about anything..."

I'm pro-life.... in all things... most of you know that. It's goes to the core of my beliefs and who I am. I know... really, solidly know.... that each and every life has been gifted with a purpose that no other can fulfill. NO ONE. We're talking so individual and so unique a purpose that God created ONE and only ONE of each individual to dance in his/her mother's womb while growing ready to face the world on the outside of the lovely protective bubble deep inside mommy's body. I'm in awe of this miracle known as life... two people... come together....cooperate in creation.... and someone planned from the beginning of time begins to grow. I could go on forever about how I think and feel about mommas and their teeny babes. But here's something I never expected to say. Except for the fact that I am human and have human doubts, fears, and failings, I'm almost embarrassed to admit what I'm about to say. When I found out that I was pregnant this Fall, I was terrified. Sure.... I want more kids. But I wasn't quite ready for that beautiful journey to start again. I messed up on my NFP - I got careless, forgot that exercise changes things, and found myself pregnant and afraid.

Yep. Super-Duper, Pro-Life me was afraid. Do you know why I was afraid? We made the decision to homeschool. Right? We made the decision that I would be the one homeschooling..... that I'd have all four kids with me all day every day..... a beautiful thing.... but I would also be responsible for making sure they learned. Really learned... not just things that babies and toddlers grow to learn as they come to know the world is bigger than their crib or house.... we aren't talking about learning that candy is sticky, snow is cold, water is wet or socks keep our feet warm kind of learning. This was the real thing. When making the choice to homeschool, I became responsible for the kids' full-blown education. That's big. Real big.

So how could I be pregnant, take care of four kids, endure morning sickness AND still be responsible for the education of my children???

That's why I was afraid. I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep the house clean.... clothes washed.... mouths fed.... activities maintained.... education upheld. Me, myself and I.... COULD NOT do it. I knew that I struggled with morning sickness in the past when pregnant. I knew that some pregnancies really gave me a problem while others brought minor illness. So when I took that pregnancy test and the "+" was loud and clear, I freaked out. What if I got really sick? What if I was puking all day? What if basic needs became difficult for me and I couldn't supply for them let alone accomplish the rigors of homeschooling?

You know what? That is exactly what happened. I became so sick that I was hospitalized. I couldn't be around when someone was cooking (let alone be the cook). I had zero energy. I was puking about ten times a day. I turned the tv on for the kids, and I slept.

A funny thing happened. The homeschool song we had been working on took over my brain. I woke up sweating, nauseous, weak... but singing this song in my head. It is a Seeds Family Worship song that my son Stephen loves to belt out. While these may  not be the exact words, here's the gist: "Don't be anxious. About anything. But in prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God... and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your heart in Christ Jesus." Does that ring a bell for anyone? It is a song made from the Bible verse Philippians 4: 6 & 7.

We must remember that Jesus is the Word. And the Word was made flesh. If we need to hear God, whether we feel Him or not, we need to read the Bible. We need to read the Word He sent to us to communicate with us. A dear friend named Emily brought this truth home to me, and when I asked how to do that, how to actually learn the verses of the Bible such that I could pray with them and apply them to my life, she suggested the Seeds Family Worship CDs.

Guess what? That suggestion CHANGED MY LIFE. Finding out I was pregnant, naming and embracing the fear that I wouldn't be able to do all that I needed to do to care for and educate my children.... that was my first big fear that I confronted after learning this particular Bible verse and song. While I laid flat on the couch, unable to do much of anything and seeing my fear unroll before my eyes, I embraced the song that Stephen ran around singing. Did I want to? No. I wanted to be back in my safe world. I wanted to cling to the idea that I had already come to - work one day at a time, one present moment at a time. But I could only surrender, for my strength and my capabilities had failed. All that was left was to embrace God. And my son, a mere four years old, was my reminder of this.

Instead of long prayers and heroic sacrifices, I laid on the couch, said my morning offering, giving my suffering up and handed everything over. I couldn't do a thing. But God could do everything.

And He did. He brought me meals through people who saw my suffering and made them. He brought people who helped clean my house, do my laundry and care for my children. He helped me stay caught up with homeschooling by enlisting my husband's help in the evenings. Him. Not Me.

And it was because I invited Him in. I listened to the song. Over and over I prayed for help and said I didn't want to be anxious, but I needed help.....

Fast forward through the rest of Fall and the Christmas season. It's now January 22, 2014. I'm 21 weeks pregnant, mostly over morning sickness, over an almost month-long flu, caught up (and even ahead in some areas) in homeschooling, and able to shout out, on this 41st anniversary of the tragic Roe vs. Wade decision, that the unique little being growing in my womb, is a boy.

His name will be Matthias Andrew Stodolka. He is a blessing that I can't wait to meet, that my whole family is excited about, and that I am grateful to be entrusted with.

Take a listen. Pray with your heart. See where you go if you remember "Don't be anxious...."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd35-M-xLX4