"No. That's too hard."

I'm sure if you are a homeschooler, you've heard the words, "No. I won't do it. It's too hard." (And if you haven't heard them, I'd love for you to share your secrets.) That's just what I heard from my Clara last week. The first time I heard it was at the first subject of the first day of the school week, and my immediate response was full of compassion. Don't we all know what it is like to get started with work or school or the daily grind of mommy (or daddy) hood without our partner after a three day weekend? Bringing that down to a long, difficult task for a child, who doesn't have as much life experience and successes to see that it really is just a tough moment in time that will pass, one can see why my heart went out to Clara. I tried to encourage her, let her know it wouldn't be hard after she practiced, that I'd be there helping her out, that God gave her a good brain and that she could do it.

The result of my pep talk? "I'm not doing it. I won't." It wasn't two seconds later that I was seeing red stars and ready to take off through the roof. I had to audibly count out loud, sharing with each successive number that I was trying to calm down and that it really would be in Clara's best interest to politely rephrase her response.

After I made it to ten, I turned to Clara, gently took her book, and started to talk my way through the first problem with her.... assuming that she was remorseful for her outburst, listening to what I had to say, and ready to go. I quickly made eye contact to check for understanding..... and found she was not only not listening, but had turned on her Innotab from Santa Claus.

Blastoff. Lost it.

And I bet you wouldn't blame me all that much, right?  I don't remember my exact words (who would when blasting off in outrage, eh?), but I gave her ten seconds to get upstairs with her work to do by herself and told her she couldn't come down until it was correctly done.... yada, yada, yada. After a bit of escalation and threats of various degrees (you'll be in your room until dinner, you won't watch tv for the rest of the day, you'll miss movie night this week etc.), Clara went upstairs with her work and I turned my attention to Marygrace.

Eventually, of course, she came back down with the work completed, but not well.... and I sent her back up to make her corrections. It was a tedious process that was more punishment for me than for her, as each time she trekked down the stairs, the attitude that I had to endure was worse.

And that was the first time it happened in the week. It happened daily last week, stretching my patience to and beyond the max into a territory that I have feared since well before I started homeschooling.  In all of the nightmares I'd concocted with a similar scenario, I became a failure for a teacher and my chilluns were unable to learn from me, forcing me to quit homeschooling, send them back to school and admit that I was one, big, embarrassing failure. I found however, that though we struggled through, the work was completed, heads remained on bodies and the weekend came.

So did reflection.

How must God feel each time I sit down for a short rest that I know very well will end up being for the remainder of the evening and duties will go undone? Or what about the times that I am inspired to pray for someone or help someone with something and then excuse myself from it because I don't really want to do it or because it seems too difficult at the moment? How about the mountains of laundry that should at least be started or the meals that should be more involved to prepare so they are preservative free and diabetic friendly? How does God feel when I ignore Him? when I fail to do what I ought?

Does God count to ten and try to convince me that I need to do what He wants? Does He throw all sorts of consequences at me to manipulate me into doing what I should freely choose to do because it is right?

Um. No. Perhaps the natural consequences come, say a messy room is still messy if I don't clean it, but bad things don't just start happening to me in an attempt to get me to do something. We have free will and can choose what we will or won't do. I realize as parents that we are supposed to guide our children to learn to use their free will to make good, positive, productive and helpful choices, so things are a bit different.  I also know that we are trapped within the confines of the human body and spirit with all its limitations, so we will make mistakes; thus, this isn't going to be an "Ode to hurry up and get it right, Sarah" kind of thing.

But, I must admit, two thoughts did come to mind. Firstly, I ought to consider more carefully how I will respond the next time I face doing something that is right but that I don't want to (or feel I can't) do. Just because I'm an adult and God doesn't force His Will on me, doesn't mean that I should succumb to whatever it is at the moment that is tempting me to not do what I ought to do. Secondly, maybe I need to remember that just as I have Clara's best interests in mind and want her to learn and finish her work, God also has mine in mind when He puts things on my heart. I need to hop on them a little more quickly, share the struggle with the kiddos, and show by example that the only way through a difficulty is, well, through it.

If my children learned this, learned to brace themselves for difficult moments with the confidence that they can do it and will get through it, then homeschooling has taught a valuable lesson far beyond the academic books. Ironic too, is it that God brought a lesson for me on living a better life out of Clara's small act of defiance. Doubly ironic is that it is almost the exact same lesson that Clara will learn at my hand.

And.... I had the opportunity to learn it within the structure of homeschooling. Huh. Go figure. I jumped into a trust free-fall, and I am being caught....the kids are learning; I am learning; we are becoming holier together. This is yet another reason why I shouldn't "be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition with thanksgiving give my requests to God Most High." And that means anything.... even Clara's refusals, for if I keep trying to help her, God will keep supplying the answers and the lessons. That is just the way it works.