Well, so far, all my blog posts have dealt with what I had started out talking about.... homeschooling. Recently, I've discovered that my blind leap of faith into the homeschooling arena, trusting on God to keep me floating, was completely rewarded with a year full of growth in faith and in my relationship with God. The fear of homeschooling, of making the leap even though I admired others who had done it but was afraid to do it myself, was at its root, a lack of trust in God. When I first thought about it in those terms, I felt very, very sad. I'm a cradle Catholic who has had so many blessings, opportunities, experiences and graces that have lifted me and carried me through my life. But I've also experienced my share of St. Therese's "dark night of the soul" where faith has become a choice that I made daily to continue on though I doubted God's love, feared God, didn't trust God, or any other number of slights against an all good, ever-present & loving God that my emotions and spiritual journey cast.
But.... through discussion, prayerful reading, and journaling, I've discovered a truth that should give hope to us all.... it doesn't matter just how far we've fallen and how much we've hurt God when we come back to Him with repentance, hope and love; one of His greatest mysteries is that the further we've been from Him, the more we've doubted and are willing to admit it and move on, the more God has in us to fill. Fill away, Lord, fill away. Forgive me for the times that I am human.... for the times I've been angry and asked how You allowed something to happen.... for the times I've been prideful and questioned why You didn't give a miracle in the way I requested.... forgive me for the times I've been angry at the rules You've given us to help lead us to happiness.... forgive me for the times I've fallen short of complete obedience to Your commandments.....
Oh, Lord, there is a lot to ask forgiveness for..... my lack of patience, my quick temper and my inability or unwillingness to at least try to control it when it starts to go off.... my surrender to bodily fatigue and pain without all that much effort to conquer it and continue on in my duties....
I could go on. And on. And on. I am a sinner. And even more so because I've been graced with the knowledge of You Lord since I was baptized as an infant. You have always been a part of my life with no seeds of confusion from outside influences on my family. And yet, I've failed. I clearly fall into the category of "to whom more has been given, more will be expected," and for that, my failures cost me more... as they cost Him more with the wasted time and all the "nos" I've given Him. I'm sorry, Lord, for my weakness in the fight against human frailty. Forgive me. And....
...so I ask to be filled, Lord, to my core with all Your goodness, love, mercy, hope.... replace all that is not of You in me with all that is of You and make me a better servant to reach out in evangelistic hope to a world that is bruised and broken.... a world that is filled with people who long to understand Your divine, merciful, all-encompassing love.... make me a channel of Your peace, Lord. Make me a channel of Your peace.
And so, from here on out, I will still journal on my lessons from homeschooling, but I feel that I need to also include the lessons shared by God to me to help me on my journey back to Him. I am so thankful for this year and so many of these lessons, and I hope that in sharing them, others can also be filled by Him.
Shalom.
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