The gang is outside in the beautiful weather cleaning the van and helping "Dagi" install the new Dino Radian car seats. I am in the house, on my favorite couch, with my computer in hand and resting.... bed resting that is. So, I guess this is the conclusion of the pregnancy that God is using to increase my faith and trust in Him. He's funny that way, isn't He? The Big Guy upstairs? Scared to homeschool, Sarah? "Trust Me. Cast your cares on Me. I will catch you. " It sure didn't feel like a catch when I figured out I screwed up my NFP training for a race and found I was pregnant in the early part of my FIRST homeschool year. As I've said before, I want more children. I just wasn't ready to have them when I was free-falling with the biggest challenge of my life. I know I get sick when I'm pregnant..... always have, and I expect, I always will. The thought crossed my mind as soon as we made the decision to homeschool that this wasn't the year to have another as I had thought it may be - cause.... what if.... what if I got sick? Sicker than ever before? And guess what? I did..... and for longer than ever before too. Ok, Big Guy, what's that all about? That's a funny way to catch and lead, but I'm hanging on for the answer.....
As the toilet and the couch and I got really well acquainted those first four and a half months, I noticed that friends from all different groups stepped up to the plate when I didn't even ask for help. In fact, I'd turned down requests for "what can I do?" in my embarrassment at not being able to keep up. They came anyway. Friends from my "herd," friends from my homeschooling community, friends from my 40 Days for Life team/community, friends from Mom's Beat and MOPS, college friends that live in the area..... they all came.... to watch kids, to bring already cooked meals, to help clean, to work on our house, to help me homeschool, ..... they came. Got it. They were sent. That dear friends, was a safety net catch of a trust fall in God.
During this time, I faced a few personal issues that brought me deep inner pain.... I don't even want to go into generals about it, as I've worked very hard to keep things mostly to myself, my husband and my spiritual adviser. But it was painful and hurt my emotional psyche. And..... turns out there were deeper lessons in the particular problems that unfolded than meets the eye. That Big Guy can use painful situations to teach us something, and He taught me a lot.... namely... He is trustworthy; He is always there; He loves all and wants us to "look up" and think of only Him as no other opinion about us matters; He gave us family that will always be there and we can lean on them; He gave me a loyal, honorable spouse on which to lean on and learn from; He is the center, the cornerstone, the rock and He always will be (it is I, lowly little me, that walks away and feels alone, not Him who walks away and makes me alone).....And....last, but certainly not least.... a lesson on how to handle my own emotions. For many years, I thought that I was doing good when I walked away from a bad situation and did something to calm myself down. In many ways, I probably was; however, while that helps settle the anger in the moment, it doesn't bring resolution to the problem. It can isolate me from others as I hide in anxiety and not bring a needed holistic, healthy fix. In spiritual advisement, He showed me the tweak. I must first go to HIM in His Word... in prayer.... share the situation, in its entirety, and read Scripture or repeat small prayers/verses until I settle down. Then, He can speak to me, and I can learn from what is going on. I don't merely calm down and avoid the lesson. I embrace it with Him. Quite the tweak, eh? Strong lessons. Valuable lessons. And, lessons that came when I was trust-falling. Imagine that.
That brings me to now. Those lessons I learned mostly in spiritual advisement. (Be jealous, I have a good spiritual adviser...) God took over in a different way a few weeks ago when I went to visit my best friend Colleen. Colleen has some significant issues going on in her life, one of which could have been truly life-threatening. She had breast cancer a few years back. She had been experiencing some pain for a few months and had some testing done. Her liver enzymes were out of whack. And the ones that were screwy were ones that could suggest a few things.... liver cancer was one of those things. I was so scared for her.... for her daughter... for her family.... for me. She has been a spiritual beacon of hope and promise for me (and just about everyone in her life). Even from a distance we communicate all the time. She just couldn't have cancer again. She couldn't. I couldn't lose her. I went to her.... and Praise Be to God the Father, Son and Spirit, it wasn't cancer. She has some health issues.... but it isn't liver cancer. Another answer to prayer. While at Colleen's, just before Easter, I was reading some of her wonderful literature on Christ's passion. It inspired me to order some of my own and to focus on Him and His sufferings a bit more. I discovered I needed to get outside of myself and work on knowing and appreciating all that was done for me.... for us... for all time.
I ordered a life-changing book by Father Ignatius (now St. Ignatius) called: The School of Jesus Crucified: The Lessons of Calvary in Daily Catholic Life. It is a REALLY deep and serious book. Some of it is too much for my small mind. Well, a lot of it, actually. Some of the wordage strikes me as tough.... but a lot of it has such a ring of truth that I must pay attention. I've gone through and picked prayers from there that fit for me, and spend some time focusing on the daily lessons it presents. I'm not sure how to summarize it all for you, but here are a few things that hit me from there.....
1. Let thy first and last thoughts of the day be on the Passion of Jesus. (My summary of the explained why: It puts a focus on life outside yourself, helps create and grow a connection between you and Jesus, shows you how much Jesus (GOD) suffered for love of you, and helps develop an appreciation and love for Him who willingly chose all the suffering to prove His love.)
2. A quote that I have been and will be working on, especially after bed-rest is over: "Nothing can be more thoroughly in opposition to a well-regulated Christian life than late rising; for which reason never allow sloth to get the better of you, but rise early, and dress yourself diligently and modestly, remembering the presence of God."
3. "Remember the day you are now entering upon may be your last, and let your mind be deeply impressed with this truth." Honestly, this one has hit me strongly in the last few years. A lot of people close to my heart have made the transition from life through death to life. I've seen a lot of suffering of my dear family and friends as this has happened. It's true, people. We are not guaranteed one-hundred years. We cannot live as if we will never die; rather, we must live as if we will die today..... we must be ready and have done as much as we can to go to God in a way that makes Him proud. I want a good life review. I want to be one that hears "well done my good and faithful servant." I'm not there yet. I have a lot of work to do. Give yourself an honest reflection and see where you are in this journey. You owe it to yourself (and to your God who chose to suffer intensely to show His love for you).
4. One prayer, that is several pages long, starts out as: "I believe O Lord; but do Thou increase my faith. All my hopes are in Thee; do Thou secure them. I love Thee with my whole heart; teach me to love Thee daily more and more. I am sorry for having offended Thee; do Thou increase my sorrow....." Isn't that beautiful? It says so much of what I want to say. I am just a weak one in faith. I struggle like everyone else.... and the answer to that struggle is to knock, seek, ask and find.....
5. One last thing for now.... thirty-one days of meditation on the Passion. Each one has three parts to consider on one overall topic. They help you to see what happened to Jesus in an entirely different, more personal, loving way.... AND how what you do does the same to Him as those involved in the Passion. Intense is a good word for it. St. Ignatius suggests a minimum of 15 minutes a day reflection on the Passion. I can do that.... and I can see the fruits.... if even to know that I have a LONG way to go to be ready for my journey to Him.
The other book that I've really started to enjoy in my prayer life is God Calling by AJ Russell. This one was recommended by my spiritual directer....Sometimes I flip open the book after prayer and see what I turn to, and other times I read the suggested day. Whichever form I choose, I always get a good and relevant meditation. Why am I not surprised?
Bed rest....books.... babies..... time to come full circle. As you can see, I've grown this year. A lot.... and it was because God provided plenty of opportunity, plenty of lessons, plenty of making good from suffering, plenty of everything.
The last few weeks, I've started feeling better in the pregnancy. My sugars were under control (no more barfing because they were so out of whack), my iron count is up more, yada yada. I did, however, start to notice a few things I've never noticed before. While this is my 7th pregnancy (Isaac Andrew and Drew Allen, my two miscarried angels), I've never felt "real" contractions for so long; I've never felt such intense back pain and fluid pressure against my uterine walls; I've never had so much difficulty walking WITHOUT sciatica; I've never had such a hard time breathing when sitting or standing; no matter how much I drink, my urine is always, and I mean always, dark, sooo... I just had a feeling..... something was different.... wrong maybe?
I've been accused of being an alarmist in the past, so I tried to take this one slowly and keep it to just my family (mostly).... I found out last week what the problem is. I have too much, as in WAY TOO much, amniotic fluid. Who knew that could be a problem? "Not I," said the fly. I have officially joined one percent of pregnancies that have this issue. Polyhydramnios. It may or may not be serious. Here's what I know about me.... I have 28+ units of fluid.... I have many of the symptoms.... I am past the point where medication is safe.... I have made more fluid between the last two ultrasounds (and fluid production should stop around 32ish weeks).... I am not a supporter of amniocentesis.... I don't know EXACTLY how far along I am (each ultrasound suggests something different).... Matthias is past the point of using lung steroids in utero, but may not have fully ready lungs yet.... water breaking at home and in an uncontrolled setting could be very dangerous for both Matthias and I.
Where does that put me? BED REST until he's a week older and closer to being ready for delivery. I spent some time on Dr. Google and freaked myself out over all the possibilities of things that can go wrong. Don't do that. Wait for the doctor appointment to see what those things are. Dr. Google makes things seem as if all the horrible possibilities are imminent. Just as I started to freak out, I shared with my friend Paula after church what was going on. She talked some sense into me. Another catch by the Big Guy. I settled down enough to wait for the doc consult on Monday. It turns out the consult went very well. The doc I was recommended to is one of, if not the, best in the area. He came up with a plan and explained how everything should play out. He told me some of the worse possibilities are low, but that the closer to the due date we get, the more likely it can become they will happen.... because.... the more likely it will be to break my water outside of the hospital. That won't be good. Hence.... BED REST. Take away all conditions that may lead to water breaking, rest completely, and wait for the day and the plan.
Can we say that God caught me again?
And, before closing, let me tell you of yet another catch..... as news got out that I'm on bed rest, people from all different groups started reaching out to help again. At first, I felt awkward accepting help when I happen to have several friends who are suffering WAY MORE than I am now. But, as "luck" would have it.... after my first day on bed rest, I could totally and absolutely feel the difference in my body every time I got up and tried to do something.... contractions started coming more often.... pain was greater..... yada yada yada. So I talked to Andy, and we decided to accept help in the form of a meal train. It was set up and we received our first meal tonight. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I can't believe the amount of stress that took off of us. Dinner was a quick warm up, and then Andy went on to continue getting ready for Matthias. Lady Life, my white van, has all five car seats properly installed. April, his van, is almost done being cleaned out... the kitchen, dining room, and living room are returned to order.... all in the time it would have taken to fully make dinner, clean the dishes, pick up after dinner etc..
Caught. I was caught again. And now, I'm learning another lesson. God's Will really does have our better interests in mind. We don't actually know it all. Huh.
This year.... many challenges... have led to bed rest, books, and soon.... a new baby....
