The past two years have flown by.... and while enduring the challenges and blessings of homeschooling, I've experienced a tremendous amount of personal growth and discovered pearls of wisdom that have been revealed to me from many sources. Perhaps the greatest and most valuable thing I've learned is that I am a little bird. It is my new life phrase, and it comes from some extensive reading on St. Therese of the Child Jesus. St. Therese, a young woman who ardently loved Jesus and petitioned to joined the convent at age 16, reveals herself as a little bird in faith. I have a hard time accepting she is that little bird, as the woman is a Doctor of the Church and leads many, including myself, to her Savior with her words and example. Me, on the other hand.... I am a little a bird, and that's quite okay. I find faith lived out heroic and virtuous, and I strive to be a woman who emulates an active, lively faith; however, my faith is a choice that is made day to day, and one that often falls quite short.
You see, I want to love Jesus. I want to be someone who can communicate well with Him and who has no trouble giving up whatever is needed to devoutly live a vibrant faith. And, I've longed for this my whole life. I've gone back to my old journals and read my pleas that .... "Jesus, please help me to see, know, feel, experience, embrace, return, share, and spread Your love." Many times though, I make choices and live as if I felt the faith I long for. I don't often have that feeling. When I was a public school teacher, I hung a sign in my room that said, "Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become your character." Emulating the spirit of this, I continually choose God though I don't often feel Him. Last year, I began to feel like the biggest hypocrite as I wholeheartedly embrace Roman Catholicism through choices and intellectual reasoning, but I didn't feel God the way so many of the great saints did (or the way many of my friends seem to).
St. Therese saved me from the self-inflicted flagellation of supposed hypocracy. She provided the answer to my deepest need.... knowing God is there in the choice and really knowing that feelings aren't important. Having read her story of faith, of her understanding of being a little bird, I safely rest in who I am, a little bird. I can accept that I may not always feel God; that doesn't mean He isn't there or my faith is weak. In fact, it's a gift. What happens to the individual who is good at something and knows it? Pride can develop and dangers surface. I am little, and I know it. I have no reason to feel prideful, and I'm grateful for that. I have many quirks and faults, resulting in more failures than successes in my faith journey. I only ask that Jesus take care of my weakness, fill my emptiness, and lead me to Himself.
This little bird is working on knowing I can't live a life of faith on my own. I must admit I am weak.... I have a hard time praying without ceasing; I have a hard time with the day to day drudgery of laundry, cleaning, cooking, mopping and the like. I REALLY have a hard time suffering, even when I offer it up for others. In fact, by the time I get to the offering up, I've sought respite and complained so much that there is probably very little value left in it. Before reading St. Therese's story, I focused on these inadequacies and often despaired of attaining the relationship with Jesus that I so ardently desired. What a perfect way for satan to get at me -my own scrupulosity. (For my grammar conscious friends, I realize satan ought to be capitalized, but I don't want to do that). Now, thanks to St. Therese, I work on asking Him to fill me and let me borrow His sanctity so I can properly lead my family to Him when I do not have what it takes. He does. Lead Your Little Bird, Jesus.... I am not an eagle, but I can fly like one with Your help.
It is in that light that I reflect on life. I look back over the last 40 years and can see just how much I've been lifted, each and every time I fall. Jesus uses His Mystical Body to carry me.... to give me wisdom that I do not naturally have or deserve.... to strengthen me and help me grow despite myself.
I pray that by the time my life race is over, my meager efforts are enough because Jesus will complement and complete them. My musings may not be worth much to others, but they are to me. I've been repeatedly caught by Him and shown a greater goodness. There is tremendous value is seeing and knowing that. It took a good part of these 40 years to come to this...
I am me and I'm proud to be me. In high school, I was an athlete wanna be. I spent many nights crying because I sat the bench in the sport that captured my heart in middle school gym class - basketball. Having attended a small Catholic grammar school, and not having played any formal sports while there, I arrived at the public high school a very green athlete who wanted more than anything to be a star. I never was. In fact, I was far from it. I was laughed at by other players and coaches alike. I gave it my all, but it was never enough. The feelings of disappointment and failure got heavier with each passing year on the bench and each suicide I ran thinking that the coach would notice my heart and put me in the game. That happened a few times; however, more often than not, my twin and I watched while others lived the dream we so desperately wanted to live. The sadness crept into many aspects of my life, and the constant questioning of myself spread to way more areas than sports; sadly, it also led me to define my worth in terms of the value others placed on me.
Of course, my parents tried to show me differently, but as a teen, I thought they had to say the things they did, as they were my parents. Many adults, but specifically three special adults.... one an aunt, another a teacher, and the third the coach of a different sport, showed me differently. My aunt took me under her wing and showed me unconditional love without having to give or show anything in return. She made me feel special EVERY TIME I saw her, and she still does. Additionally, my 11th grade social studies teacher took me under his wing, showing me strengths I didn't know I had. He continued leading me far beyond high school and into college as he wrote often and sent me care packages just for being me. Another person that helped me was my Senior Year Lacrosse coach. I started lacrosse even later than basketball.... not in my Freshman year, but in my Junior Year. Nonetheless, he taught me the game and gave me hints and things to practice to improve. I wasn't the best player in the world, but I was his Point,or last defender before the goalie. He knew I wanted to score one day, but he also knew I had a natural ability as a defender. More importantly, he'd say things like, "Lavey, I need you at Point. Go get 'em." He believed in me and showed me that I could believe in myself. After graduation, he asked me to come back and help him coach the lacrosse camp for girls that summer....and then I got a small scholarship for Niagara's Division One Lacrosse Team. It was a new team, and I had the opportunity to be part of its growth because he taught me that I was good, that I had heart, that I could get even better, and that I had to capitalize on the heart and talents in the way that was best for the team. I did... and I went to Division one.
More importantly, and over time, the lesson grew off the field and applied to life. I remember writing a quote way back then.... "What's the difference between one who plays lacrosse and a lacrosse player?" "One who plays lacrosse cradles, passes, defends and scores; a lacrosse player takes the game off the field and into her life." Over time, I was able to do that. I learned more about my strengths and weaknesses and began to own who I am.
I am Sarah, an imperfect daughter of a perfect God.
I am Roman Catholic.
I am Sarah Rose, a twin who always had a life partner.
I am a melancholic sanguine who lives with anxiety from sensory processing disorder and OCD.
I am Sarah Rose Lavey Stodolka, daughter of Keith & Mary Lavey and the life partner of my best friend and husband, Andrew.
I am quirky and choose comfort over style.
I am Mommy to five here and four in Heaven.
I am a homeschooling mom who has been caught many times while in the blind-free-fall of trust.
I am a teacher and tutor.
I am honest, loyal, hardworking, loving, compassionate, and real.
I am proud that I was important enough to be thought of since the beginning of time and created to step into time at just the right moment.
That is me. I embrace me. Can you embrace you? Do you know, really KNOW, that you too were special and chosen, thought of from the beginning of time, crafted and created as the only you? Let it seep in. The beauty of Psalm 139 rings ever so true.
You know, as I drove to Auburn from Albany to celebrate my birthday milestone with my twin, I made use of my Amazon Prime and played music that spoke to me through various times in my life. Music is an equalizer for me because it allows me to get in touch with my feelings and to lift them to God in thanksgiving for all the gifts He's given me.... life lessons and catches that I've been able to grow from these past 40 years. Poignant memories flowed as I played songs from Tim McGraw, Tracy Bird, Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, Air Supply, Survivor.... and more.... And I'd like to recognize at least small clips of the many times I've been caught by His Mystical Body.
Thank You, Lord, for placing me in my family of origin.... with my parents & siblings, aunts & uncles, cousins and relatives that gave me roots and wings, most especially for those who wrapped a fragile child in their hearts and helped her grow.
Thank You, Lord, for catching me in high school with the adults that helped me see my unique value.
Thank You, Lord, for catching me in college with the friends who helped me discern where You called me to be.
Thank You, Lord, for catching me as I graduated Niagara and stepped foot into real life by providing me the perfect teaching job at Pavilion.
Thank You, Lord, for catching me those ten years I was a public school teacher through my friends in LeRoy/Pavilion who allowed me to claim who I am.... those who taught with me, prayed with me, lived with me, accepted me, and led me.
Thank You, Lord, for my husband who accepts me at my weakest and my strongest and allows me to be and to grow at my steady and slow pace.
Thank You, Lord, for catching me with my herd, for the women who became my family when Albany was new and scary.
Thank You, Lord, for catching me with my 40 Days and Magdalena groups who helped me proudly stand for faith and life.
Thank You, Lord, for catching me with my professional friends who helped guide me in the painful uncertainty of helping my children through educational & personal challenges.
Thank, You, Lord, for catching me with my homeschooling friends who helped me gain confidence in the ability to answer Your call.
Thank, You, Lord, for catching me with my Regina Caeli family who gave me a home in their community, who recognize & support my talents, who help me live & share all that is good and true and beautiful, and who encourage me to be exactly who I am.
I am forever blessed. I clearly see and claim that. I may not feel God often. I may not hear His voice like others do or answer with more than blind faith, but I am me and I am proud of who He made me to be. And I will never again question the beauty of me because The Ultimate Beauty crafted me.
40 years of catching.... this little bird thanks You for that.
