Pride goethe before the fall

The devil is a tricky one. So many people don't believe that he even exists, and then he has a heyday at the expense of us all. Many people don't think like that, but I do. And I got caught up into thinking he couldn't get me. I go to Mass every week and confession at least twice a month. I homeschool. My family prays together. I'm safe from that nasty guy that lives in the tropics below the earth. Right? WRONG.

See that pride? The devil found a way in. It's not pleasant to admit. Pride is the big one.  I was proud of my track record and the faith life I've been blessed enough to lead.... so PROUD that I thought I was safe, and I'm not. Pride goethe before the fall.

My name is Sarah Stodolka and I am addicted to Facebook.... and therein lies one big spot where that tricky old red legs found his way into my life. I'm so opposed to him that I can't even capitalise his name. I work to make sure I don't have to use the pronoun "he" at the beginning of the sentence when I refer to him, I never capitalise devil, and if I do use the name satan to discuss him, I give him a small s and take a grammar hit. Those of you that know me know I pay attention to grammar; I used to be a public school teacher and now I'm a homeschooling mom, so when I read things, I read with an eye for grammar. I can't turn that teacher off. Nonetheless, satan gets a small s; I will do my best to make sure the honor of the capital letter is never given to him. That's how aware of him I am. Still...he got me.

Facebook has become my favored on-line meeting place. I used to have some yahoo groups that I participated in where I chatted with other moms and people with the same interests/worldview. With FB, I can strike up a conversation with anyone I’ve ever known or someone I’ve never known. I can talk to my closest friend and womb-mate or to the newest friend whom I have everything or nothing in common with. I meet people in groups or as friends of a friend. Heck, FB even suggests people to me because we have one out of thousands of friends in our friend list in common. Interaction happens any time a person I know on FB shares personal information and we banter back and forth be it in private message or on a public page. More often than not, this leads to prayer. Intercessory prayer.  So Facebook is good, right? It has to be, as it keeps me praying for the living and the dead - for people I know in varying degrees from not at all to very well. It doesn’t matter if I see my womb partner ask for prayer or a friend of a FB friend ask for prayer, for when I read some of the hard that someone is going through, I pause to reply “praying,” and I pray. How can that be bad?

Facebook has also helped me conquer some of my social anxieties. I'm just not good with small talk. I never was. I don't think I ever will be. I like the substance of life... the stuff that has real meaning. I don't care much about the weather as a conversation topic except that it helps me get to the real topics that make me tick..... I like to talk about love, friends, sacrifice, God, life lessons, relationships, historical moments, and, well, anything meaningful. Honestly, though, I’ve come to know that, that's too much for a lot of people. It's too heavy and something that people tend to shy away from in favor of discussing the weather, traffic patterns, recent trips, or last night's dinner. Facebook has given me a glimpse into people's lives so that when I do see someone in person,  small talk isn't so hard and I can bridge the gap between topics like the weather and topics like the challenges of living virtuously in a world where virtue isn't an absolute anymore. Any forum that ushers in such a refreshing opportunity at meaningful and genuine interaction has to be good, right? What I mean is, isn’t anything that breaks through anxiety and allows authentic communication and connection good?

Facebook also helps me keep up with the news. I used to be a 24/7 news watcher. I'd compare the news on Fox and CNN and MSNBC and The Blaze and try to get a feel for what is going on in the world in a very real sense instead of through someone else's lense. I'd look for liberal or conservative slants and search for facts that do sometimes exist but are hidden behind opinions. I had family members and friends alike calling me asking me what I felt about any given topic of the day. Generally, I was well versed in all those topics, as if I was home, I had the news on in the background. The dawn of 24 hour news helped me feel smart, knowledgeable, on top of things, and..... anxious. With all that was going on, I felt the news started to control me. I found myself worried over EVERY. SINGLE. EVENT... I was consumed with finding out more so that I could put those worries to rest. One day a few years back, I decided that the news owned me instead of the other way around. I decided to give it up. As a former history teacher, that wasn't easy. I felt like I was letting the present soon to be history slip away. I talked myself out of feeling too badly by realistically pointing out that it is way too expensive to have cable anyhow.

A new, first-world problem surfaced. Without cable,  we can't watch tv. Screens are fuzzy and noisy and many channels aren't available at all. I hate to admit it, but our family can't go without tv completely. We use it to decompress and entertain.  We needed something, so we became a Netflix and Hulu family, a savings of at least $60 a month.  I put parent settings and passwords on. The news was gone and non-violent/non-sexualized tv programming is available.

As I continued the journey through news detox, I found that I got just as anxious knowing nothing. I was telling people I got rid of 'live news;' that was freeing, but the nagging feeling of not being on top of things and able to discuss topics intelligently dug at me. For my sake, I needed to know at least a basic level of what was going on in the world. I could come up with a whole list of reasons why I needed to, but most of them would probably be excuses or trumped up a bit. I do care about voting though. One must be an educated voter, so where did I stay up to date? Why, on Facebook of course. Rather than watching 24/7 news or searching the net for programs/articles, I read some of the articles that "friends on the left" and some of the articles that "friends on the right" posted. So Facebook helped me to stay abreast of what is going on in the world and is good, right?

Wrong. It's all wrong. See? That's how the devil snuck in. I 'thought' I was on the right track and was okay. I ‘thought’ I had control over FB and was only using it for good. And that may be true to some extent; however, I most definitely crossed the line at some point because my checking in on people in my FB world began to take precedence over solving math problems with my children, saying the Divine Mercy at 3 am while nursing, excercising to take care of my Temple of the Holy Spirit, reading to my husband while he drives, taking pictures of my kids playing or pushing their swings on the playground, or any number of other meaningful activities that I should have been fully present at with those I love.

(Caution: I switch tenses a lot below. I can't figure out how to do this in the reflective present. I created that terminology, but you'll see what I mean. I don't want to waste time figuring it out.)

The pull to check FB comes at all different times and I didn't see that the time I was on it was gradually increasing. I didn't see that the number of "excuse me Moms" had increased dramatically. The pull got stronger and stronger until I began to think about FB situations while I was with my real life peeps. I started feeling guilty if I wasn't constantly checking in to see how this emergency turned out or that job interview went. The more I'm on FB, the more prayer intentions I'd see. If I didn't answer the request to pray, I felt bad. How could I deny prayer to someone who needed it? How could I not find time for that? This all happened over several years.... gradually increasing from the time I gave up the News.  It became alarming to me when I recognized that I became triggered to a fast, hot temper when I was interrupted from FB for just about anything. STOP. STOP. That interruption for a bowl of cereal or sharing a story or watching sports practice or singing songs or cuddling in the Mommy chair with a little that needs a love tank fill is way more important than my FB world.

This is no longer just time that is given over to FB. It is moments too. I gave away moments that come only once. Sometimes similar moments come of course.... but that is a different moment and there is still damage done to little egos that can't be fully repaired. Those little egos don't know that the mom is in the wrong and they are more important than FB, unless the mom tells them and shows them.

I went to confession where a wise, young priest asked me where I get the most access to FB. I told him it was on my phone. He asked if it was through an app or through the net, and I of course have the app. He gently suggested I take it off the phone, or if I need it for some reason, look into getting an app that limits my time on social media from the phone.  Because I was monitoring a business page from FB, I felt getting an app to monitor my time spent on FB would be best. Then I could always be available should the business need something.

Who was I kidding? I tried to find just the right app, but I couldn't. Soon, I gave up. I told myself I'd just be an adult and monitor myself. FB didn't have me. I could control this.... for just a minute at a time.

No. I didn't succeed. I was drawn back in and time was sucked away.... more moments gone too. Well, time and moments are given only once. I love people. I love my FB friends. I love praying for others. I love knowing things and conversing more easily with others. BUT.....

I love my husband and family more. I've chosen my life, and I want it to be holy. For that to happen, I need to treat FB like the addiction it has become and I need to learn a bit of temprance and balance.  I have my faith, my family, and my friends.... I have the real deal.... I have time and moments that need to be properly spent purchasing eternity. That tricky bugger, that devil, made me forget about saving and purchasing eternity. Father Shamon, my confessor of many years, would be hitting my knee and calling me a monkey for letting my guard down and letting satan in. He used to say things like "it may just be a minute, but that minute has eternity in it." He was/is right.

For all my friends out there in the internet world. You are not forgotten. You are part of my daily intentions. I will still be on FB from the computer from time to time when my duties are done and my kids are snug in bed. I will still share pictures and memories and prayers and reflections. I will just make sure to be cognizant of the free fall God just caught me from.... the freefall into FB addiction.

Thank you God for catching me in the freefall of addiction and showing me that satan got in. Thank you for catching me, and I ask that You now Lead me. Please help me to never again let pride or addiction take your place. I can see that I have a need for entertainment to shield me from the hard in the day to day. Please help me to find You in the hard, to find You in the day to day, to find You in my responsibilities and my pleasures. Please help me beat this FB thing (and the entertainment thing that seems to be the progression of it) and return FB and enterainment to their rightful spots so YOU are my center and my strength, my calm and my peace, my everything. Lord, I know that love is not always a feeling, it is often a choice. I choose You. Help me to get beyond myself and the pull backawards and make that so. In Jesus' Mighty Name I pray.

Amen.